TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm/Anxiety/Suicide
I’m on the brink of letting myself go. I’ve thrown self-care out the window, my motivation for music and writing is at its lowest, and my insomnia and anxiety seem to be in a race to see which can make me lose my mind first.
At the beginning of 2018, I told myself that I would prioritise my mental health. It’s hard to achieve this when I’m trapped in a house with the very same people who feed my anxiety. I try not to blame them for my mental illness and self-harm tendencies, but they carry such an enormous impact that it’s impossible to ignore.
I’m having a hard time holding on. My anxiety skyrockets every time I step out of the house, but it gets worse when I’m home with my family. I feel trapped and helpless because I know that, although I am free to go anywhere and everywhere I like, I am unable to. My mind tells me I am unable to and my body doesn’t fight it.
My hands and head twitch sometimes, and this usually happens when I have the sudden urge to cut myself. I break down so often these days that waking up with red, puffy eyes the next morning is just routine.
Recently, I’ve been having insomnia. I sleep at 9am and wake up in the late afternoon. I’ve tried warm milk before bed, warm Milo before bed, (supposedly) sleep-inducing music. Everything. Nothing works. My body is so exhausted and my head aches continuously. My eyes are sore and the throbbing can be felt all the way til the back of my head.
It feels like my entire brain is lit up and banging against my skull.
I think so much these days. Nothing profound, just thoughts of the future of close friends and family once I am gone. I think of jumping out the window from the highest story. I think of where I can purchase sleeping pills without worrying about accidentally revealing my motive. I feel everything and nothing. There are so many things flying around in my head that I don’t know which to focus on. My anger and hatred are fuelled by so many things. Mostly people, and sometimes life. I have even gotten a reputation for being loud and hot-headed on social media, and it makes me scoff knowing these people have it too good to not be angry when the world is going to shit.
I guess we can call Santini a pessimist. An angry, loud and bitter pessimist. Or maybe a godless, sad and rude bitch. Either one is fine by me. I will never fathom those who drip with positivity and happiness. I’m sure I was like that once, maybe years ago, when my eyes weren’t open to this ugly world.
But they are now, and I hate what I see. I hate what power does to people and how money controls everything. I hate how history is being repeated and religion is being weaponised.
There is so little empathy in this cruel world.
I feel like a burden to everyone. Some nights, it’s almost impossible not to slit my wrists. I just want to fall and feel the wind through my hair, lose my breath and life before I hit the ground.
But in this ugly world, there are still things I don’t want to leave behind. Not yet. And sometimes this makes me realise that maybe I am strong. Or maybe I love just too hard and too much.